I give up. I am buying a fucking house in a cookie cutter subdivision where my house looks just like your house, except for I've done something wild, like paint my door teal. I'll be in trouble at night though, because I won't be able to see my teal door in the dark and the teal door is my only way of telling which house is mine since they were all built by the same builder over a period of 2 weeks before he popped on over to make his next subdivision in the corn field across the street. My lot will be 80' x 120', and my beige vinyl sided ranch will take up most of it. I will have no trees, except for a few that aren't any taller than I am. I will have beige carpet and beige walls, and you will know exactly where the bathroom is when you come to visit because, of course, your bathroom is in the exact same spot. But even when you haven't come to visit, I will know exactly what you are up to, because my patio door looks across out our shallow treeless backyards, right into your matching patio door. I will know what you had for dinner last night, what you watch on TV, and that little Joey is getting in trouble for leaving his toys out again. Some evenings, I will wave to you when a happy coincidence has it that I'm out on my deck grilling just at the same moment you are out on your deck grilling. I will spend my weekends meticulously mowing, fertilizing and edging my lawn to keep it lush and green, and once a year I will shine my brass house numbers above the garage. I will be sure to get in friendly competition to be the best decorated house each holiday, weighing down my poor saplings with plastic easter eggs or Christmas lights (excuse me, "holiday lights"). I will be the neighbor you always come to for a cup of sugar and I will always call "Hey Bob" or "Hi Sally" when I see you. I will be chipper and cheerful and absolutely fucking miserable. But I'll be living the American dream.

Posted by blueostrich at 5:31 PM
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