it is what it is...

Take Two

2007-11-17T07:48:00.000-05:00

It's been like a year.... But I'm going to start blogging again.... Just as soon as I think of something to say.
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Gone, But Not Forgotten

2007-01-03T21:07:00.000-05:00

RIP<-- Click that, it's a link

Beware of Dog

2006-12-19T19:22:00.000-05:00

Gus has become quite the guard dog lately. He's really saved me a couple times from all sorts of dangers.... The ice maker dumped a load of ice into the freezer. Much barking ensued. The microwave popped popcorn. Growls followed. The garbage disposal ground up some sink gunk. His hackles went up.... I feel so safe now. If my house gets robbed by a ShopVac or perhaps a dishwasher, I'm in good shape.

(Looks threatening, doesn't he?)

Do You Hear The Voices?

2006-12-10T21:25:00.000-05:00

I've decided that really owning a dog just gives me an excuse to talk to myself. We have entire conversations. And by we, I mean that I talk to him, usually in weird voices, while he stares at me.

The dog has also managed to accumulate quite the list of nicknames in a short time... Gus, Gus Gus, Guster, Gusserson, Gustav, Gussy, Gus the Bus. He doesn't really respond to any of those. Unless he feels like it. And if, by chance, he feels like responding, he'll also respond to Fritz, Johan, or Shithead.

Shakira Shakira

2006-11-30T20:47:00.000-05:00

Do you think Gus has an oral fixation?

Git 'er Done

2006-11-26T21:35:00.000-05:00

Do you ever have those days where you feel amazingly, super-humanly productive? Like you could do just about anything, and still have some time left over? Today was one of those days. It was fabulous. Since 9:30 this morning, I have....

gone to Meijer for spackle, a gallon of milk, and a Nylabone
prepped the mud room for paint (people who caulk their mouldings to the walls are idiots, just in case you were wondering)
watched last week's "Top Chef" (does anyone else think that Marcel guy is creepy weird?)
put a load of towels in the wash
put a coat of "mustard yellow" paint up in the mud room (it's a nicer looking color than it sounds, sort of a warm, goldy shade)
figured out how to get Christmas lights up on the roof overhang that I can't reach (it ended up involving a step ladder, gutter hooks, a good deal of acrobatics, and one nasty bruise on my shin)
put the Christmas lights up (while wearing shorts.... there was something just a little weird about that)
figured out how to rig the Christmas lights to a switch so that I don't have to go outside and unplug them (because I'm lazy)
moved the load of towels to the dryer
cleaned (no, scoured) the kitchen
took the dog for a nice long walk (we've established that I am boss, he didn't even try to eat the dead racoon on the side of the road this time)
put a second coat of mustard yellow paint up in the mud room (it possibly needs a third, this is what I get for buying cheap paint)
made cupcakes for no reason (white cake, white frosting, cute little colored sprinkles)
took the load of towels out of the dryer (finally)

So a productive day. I'm going to sleep good tonight.....

Gus Gus

2006-11-17T18:03:00.000-05:00

Meet Gus. He chases his tail for a half hour straight and eats rocks. He's my new dog.

Ketchup

2006-11-08T21:59:00.000-05:00

A chipmunk (or a mouse, but I prefer to think of it as a chipmunk) has taken up residency in my car's air filter. He built himself a little nest in there, with chunks of air filter, some feathers, leaves, grass. It was nice and warm and cozy there in the engine compared to the cold cold garage. But he has recently been evicted. And I recently started getting better gas mileage.

I jammed a nail through my nail. I will spare you the gory details, but suffice to say, it hurt. And now I have a hole in my fingernail and I need a tetanus shot.

I went to New Jersey. Thankfully, I was only there for less than 24 hours. Or it was supposed to be less than 24 hours, but Northwest screwed up and I got the honor of sitting in the Newark airport for what felt like 5 days (but was really like 6 hours). Lovely place, Newark. Or something.

Other than that, I've been hand cleaning 150 square feet of tile. Twice. I've taken the concept of dishwater hands to a whole new level. And that's pretty much what I've been doing since I last blogged... And probably is what I'll be doing till I blog again.

Poor Baby

2006-10-24T09:33:00.000-04:00

The following was overheard on a San Diego news broadcast this morning....

"The weather outside this morning... Well, it's raining... I know, I know.... But I can explain!"

You mean the weather lady had to say something other than "Today, it'll be sunny and 70"? She's not trained for this kind of thing! Don't make her explain!

Squak!

2006-10-23T21:31:00.000-04:00

I saw a pelican today. I bet you didn't see a pelican today.

I am not in Michigan.

HGTV-Ready

2006-10-16T20:43:00.000-04:00

I've been doing some redecorating. What do you think?

....A bathroom remodel....

....A new door....

....A new rug....

I have fantastic taste, don't you think? Just let me know if you want some tips.

Now You See It.....

2006-10-06T13:32:00.000-04:00

Mr Clean Magic Erasers.... Yeah, they really are magic. I just erased my whole house. Literally. Soap scum in the shower? Gone. Scuff marks on the floor? Not anymore. Fingerprints near the light switches? Adios. It's magic people, magic. Everything is so shiny! You should buy one.

Ty Pennington

2006-10-02T19:01:00.000-04:00

I have some pretty before and afters of my floor adventure, for those who care (there might be like one of you). Personally, I like the wood better than the excessive gray linoleum, but you're free to your own opinions.Next up, tile in the hallway (where nasty brown carpet still exists) and a fence on one side of the yard. Then comes a dog. So we're going to hurry through the tile and the fence. I want a dog!

Stacy, Tracy, & Lacy

2006-09-26T16:01:00.000-04:00

My radio station has changed morning show crews. Now, it's "Tim, Jim, and Kim in the Morning." The show is as horrible as it sounds. I think they seriously just wanted to rhyme and picked the first three bozos off the street that they could find with _im names.

I keep getting spammed by Supreme Court justices. First was Clarence Thomas. Then was R Ginsberg and Sam Alito. And today, S Day O'Connor. Apparently our justices are into cheap prescription drugs and some rather, um, questionable pastimes...

My stove is in my living room.

And that is all.

Time Warp

2006-09-24T20:55:00.000-04:00

I've decided that there is some weirdness in the space time continuum going on in Lowes/Home Depot. You go in there and it's noon. You come out and somehow it's 3:00. You remember nothing. You don't remember being particularly bored, you don't remember being particularly interested. You didn't really even buy all that much. What just went on? Did you wander the aisles for 3 hours looking for lightbulbs? Did you get paralyzed by the ridiculous number of choices in toilet paper holders? Did you spend 3 whole hours looking for reverse osmosis filter FX12P? Seriously, how does this happen every single time?

It was a busy weekend. Involved 4 trips in 3 days to Lowes/Home Depot. 4 trips at what certainly seemed like 3 hours a pop... Many hours lost to home improvement stores. Plus three trips to Sherwin Williams. And I'm still not sure the color in the office is quite right. It looked OK in daylight but is currently looking a bit pea-soupy. But it is what it is for now. Because my wood floors go in tomorrow. I will share before and after pictures, be sure. It's going to be so pretty. Much better than grayish-beige linoleum. And much more expensive than gray-ish beige linoleum. But so pretty.

Baa Haabaa

2006-09-11T20:28:00.000-04:00

We're back. Things got a bit better after the scallops incident. And it didn't stop me for long from going for the lobster.....For more pictures, if you care, I have a handful online --- you can click here.

Maine-ly Miserable

2006-09-03T10:46:00.000-04:00

Why do you think it is that I can eat seafood in the midwest and be just fine, but then I come somewhere where seafood actually lives and I get food poisoning?

Won't You Be My Neighbor?

2006-08-30T21:47:00.000-04:00

My basement leaks. Just to add to the fun. But I'm in denial. If I don't go down there, it's not leaking..... Only two days to vacation. I thought vacation was going to come at a bad time. I was just going to have been in the house, I was going to want to be nesting. But really, it can't come at a better time. I need a vacation from the damn house.

My next door neighbor is a little creepy. And more than a little weird. Today he road his lawn mower around in a sweatshirt with the hood up and sunglasses. He looked like the Unabomber. Whenever he does any lawn work, he puts out orange traffic cones on the border between our yards. Which is mostly treed, but for that open 20 feet, he needs to make sure he doesn't mow or fertilize a single blade of my grass. This is probably for the best. His lawn looks like crap. Mine looks like a jungle.

My across the street neighbor cracks me up. She's this little 65 or 70 year old lady. She's lived there for 45 years. She remembers back in the day when our road was dirt and when it snowed up to her eyeballs. She knows all the gossip. Today I found out that the farmer down the road went into debt buying his latest combine. (It might not have been a combine. That's the only piece of farm equipment I know other than a tractor. So to me, all farm equipment is a combine. What does a combine do anyways?) I swear she watches for me to come home so that we can meet and chat at the mailboxes. She gave me tomatoes and corn and peppers today. She's going to keep an eye on the house for me while I'm on vacation. She's got my cell number if the roof caves in or something. Other than that, I don't want to know about it. I like denial better.

Screw You

2006-08-28T11:32:00.000-04:00

If one more person hears about my house woes and says, "Hehe, you're a homeowner now, hehehe," I seriously might take my screwdriver and stick it in their eye.

Go For Broke

2006-08-27T16:28:00.000-04:00

I'll admit, I'm not sure that I'm wild about being a homeowner. Thus far, I wouldn't say things are going resoundingly well. I think I may just prefer it that other people fix it when it breaks... (Which really, they do.... "they" being TJ.) In a mere one week, I have had issues with the following:

Wasps. They decided to live behind a light fixture and dive bomb me upon household re-entry.
The closet. The nice little Rubbermaid closet organizer system was no match for the weight of my clothes (although in my defense, it was probably only 2/3 full). So the whole darn thing pulled out of the wall because the idiots who installed it somehow were not familiar with the concept of studs.
A leaky garage. Thankfully, it has been determined that it is not a problem with the roof. But I still need to wade to the car after rain.
Cheap lightbulbs. Apparently they went bargain basement on those or didn't understand the concept of screwing (that came out wrong.... they did have two kids.....). But light bulbs are literally just falling out of their sockets. If you come to my house, wear shoes.
The dryer. It stopped working. While I had wet clothes. I still have wet clothes. I need to go to TJ's to dry them. Does anyone have any quarters?
Cash flow. As in it's flowing out, but not flowing in........ Seriously, does anyone have any quarters?

I've decided broke is an interesting word. All my stuff's broke, and I'm broke too. Interesting how those two seem to go together.

Praise the Lord

2006-08-22T20:09:00.000-04:00

I have the internet once again.....

It's (Finally) Time

2006-08-13T22:35:00.000-04:00

I thought I'd go upstairs, get in bed, watch a little TV. But I can't watch a little TV. Because there is no TV. Where is the TV? It's packed. That's right, packed. Because I close on the house tomorrow! At this time tomorrow, I will be a homeowner. And quite significantly in debt.

So this weekend was a rather brutal weekend of packing and cleaning, but just about everything is done. Shows how much of a dork I am, the computer is pretty much all I have left.

Must.
Have.
Internet.
Access.

But despite the fact that I'm keeping internet here as long as humanly possible and turning it on at the new house before the computer is likely even out of the box, I will not be blogging for a while, I have other things to do. I'm sure you understand....

Target Practice

2006-08-10T20:49:00.000-04:00

Today, I went to Target for toothpaste and spent $80. That store is evil. Can anyone ever just come out with what they went in there for? I came out with all sorts of crap, including hair serum that promises me brilliantly brunettely shiny locks, pink grapefruit scented liquid handsoap in a neat shaped bottle, some artichoke shaped candles for my mother (they were on clearance!), and fancy shower curtain hanging thingys. I'm not sure what's wrong with regular $1.49 plastic rings, but now I own some nice brushed pewter doodads that cost $10.99. But the shower curtain will look fabulous.

Oh, and I went in for toothpaste, spent $80, and came out without toothpaste.

Edit, Undo

2006-08-06T17:37:00.000-04:00

You know the stupid thing about packing? In a week, you're going to unpack and un-do the 8 zillion hours you put into packing.

Label Maker

2006-07-26T21:29:00.000-04:00

I just realized that I will get to buy address labels! Why am I excited about address labels? First of all, I like to mail stuff. Second of all, who doesn't like to see their name in print? And finally, people who own houses get address labels! People with houses! That's me! I am a people with a house!

Well, not yet. But soon enough. Well, not really soon enough. But 19 days!

19 days to address labels.... If I can afford them.

Rock, Paper, Scissors

2006-07-25T17:36:00.000-04:00

I figured out today that I can't ever be fired. Not ever. Nor am I at risk to lose my jobs in layoffs. I am a truly indispensable employee... How do I know such a thing? Because I have a very unique skill. One that only I possess..................

I know how to put paper in the printer. Yes, that's right. I know how to go to the supply room and select a ream of the proper paper. Then, I know how to open the little drawer and slide the paper in. Then, I know how to push the little button that again begins the paper feeding through the machine. I'm the only one. Just me.

Now, this may not seem like such a tough skill to master. However, I remain the only person in my office that puts paper in the printer. I find it hard to believe that coincidence has had it for this long that the printer always needs paper just when I need to print.... So now, after nearly 2 years, I have come to the conclusion that the only feasible explanation can be that I am the only one who knows how. Otherwise, why wouldn't others put paper in the printer?

I was thinking of offering some classes. Maybe an online tutorial. But then I realized that that would take away my one unique skill and open me up to layoffs and firings. So it's going to be just me and the printer from here on out. Me, the printer, and job security.

And while I'm on the subject of printers.... I don't understand why the printer makers (HP, I'm talking to you) can't make a paper drawer that fits an entire ream of paper. All 500 sheets. Not 430. Not 470. All 500. I want to fit the whole damn thing in that drawer without causing the machine to freak out and suck excess paper into all its crevices, forcing people to jam pens into nooks and crannies, extracting the paper one scrap at a time all while getting covered in toner. Printer makers, just take note. Just a thought. A little out there, I know. But sleep on it.

And those are all the office supply gripes that I have for the day. Tomorrow we'll talk about my true nemesis, the fax machine.

Coin Toss

2006-07-24T10:57:00.000-04:00

I spent some quality time in front of the TV yesterday wrapping coins while I watched Fear Factor or some other such nonsense. Wrapping change is tedious, but rewarding. That was $82 that I had resigned myself to not having. Getting it back is like a present. That $82 can buy a lot of things for the new house. A few gallons of paint, for example. Or a set of blinds. Or 8 square feet of wood floor....... Now, if only I could cook up another $4,918 in pennies, I could be just about set on the floor. Maybe I'll look under the couch cushions....

Good Riddance

2006-07-19T21:41:00.000-04:00

I told my landlord that I'm moving out. It was good fun. Not quite as fun as quitting a job you hate but almost.... Things I will not miss...

The mouse problem. It's behind us now, but I see those little buggers in the yard, eyeing the clearly visible holes in the foundation. (You guys can move back in in at the end of August.)
Water so bad that I have to clean my toilet every 3 days to prevent nearly permanent rust stains.
Pipes that burst for no apparent reason, just for fun on Sunday mornings.
Insulation so poor that I had $320+ gas bills in the winter and indoor temperatures that can easily top 90 indoors during the summer.
The weird old house smells that you can never quite escape despite practically having kept Febreeze in business for the past 2 years.
The mysterious water in the basement which apparently just can't be explained. Even though it just happens to pool right under the hot water heater.... hmmmm....
Doors that don't shut without a large degree of physical force.
Windows that don't open.
Sponge painted kitchen cupboards.
Zero ventilation in the bathroom. I checked, that is in fact against code. Nothing like sweating before you even dry off from your shower.
The dog next door that barks incessently in this high pitched whiny yap.
Gray carpet and gray mouldings and gray trim and gray paint (there must have been a sale on all things gray, say back in 1990).
The lack of plugs in the bathroom... Or the lack of three prong plugs in general. If anyone needs any of those 2 to 3 prong adapter doo-dads, I have about a million.
The clawfoot tub. Yes, they're cute. But entirely impractical, at least without a separate shower.
The basement. It's right out of a horror movie, I swear.

I could keep going. Maybe I will at a later point. I pity the poor sucker that rents this house next... Although good luck to my landlord to rent the place to someone in mid-summer when it's, oh, a minimum of 84 degrees in here and the weird old house smell is just seeping out of everything. And you have to walk around the two downed trees in the yard just to get to the doors because it's too expensive to have them removed, and then you need to kick the doors open because they are swollen shut with humidity... Makes you wonder just how desperate I was to end up here, doesn't it?

7-11

2006-07-11T21:41:00.000-04:00

Happy National Slurpee Day all!

Fan Mail

2006-07-05T21:07:00.000-04:00

I got into the house for the inspection today. Whew. That seemed to go well. There are a few little things, but nowhere near the thousands and thousands of dollars in repairs necessary in the last house.... Since I was only in there for about 20 minutes before I bought it, I didn't exactly notice all the details before. Here are a few I missed.

The current owners are flirting with an unhealthy obsession with ceiling fans. Shiny brass ceiling fans. There is at least one (and sometimes 2) in every room except the dining room. But don't worry, you can see no fewer than 3 ceiling fans from the dining room.
There is a dairy farm about 1/2 mile up the road. Thankfully, it's downwind.
The paint in the bedroom is not in fact prison gray. It's more of a gray brown. Gee, let's keep it that way then. If you're going to paint a room such an ugly color, can't you at least make it a light color which won't need layers of primer to cover?
Whoever painted the blood red office/bedroom may have been drunk. A preschooler could have painted a straighter line between the walls and ceilings.
I will need to buy several expensive items, which include (but are not limited to), in the order of importance:

500-700 square feet of wood floor
A washer and dryer
An invisible fence (for Gus, my future dog who does not yet exist but is already named)
Gallons and gallons of paint in non-ugly colors
A riding lawn mower
A dehumidifier
A privacy fence on one side so as not to see the neighbor's farm equipment when leaves fall off the trees
Many many large pine trees so as not to have to look at my privacy fence. Or the soybean field. Or the road. Essentially, I'd rather not see anyone.
A rather massive dining room table
A non-ugly coffee table and end tables (Beth -- remember the coffee table from college? It's still alive!)
Deck furniture
Several other expensive items not yet beknownst to me

If I normally get you a Christmas present, this year be prepared to either a) receive Kellogg's product that's about to go stale and is therefore free or b) be eliminated from my list if I don't feel you are likely to buy me Home Depot gift cards in massive denominations.

But it's going to be good times. :o)

Balloon Bouquet

2006-07-04T20:30:00.000-04:00

I have a small obsession with hot air balloons. I think they're way fun. Lucky for me, good ol' BC actually has one of the largest hot air balloon events in the country and it took place this past weekend. I wouldn't say these are the most gorgeous pictures in the universe (about-to-pour skies aren't the best backdrop), but I'll share anyways.

The Search is Over? (Take 2)

2006-06-29T21:31:00.000-04:00

We are not going to assume this time that the search is actually over until we have actually passed the inspection. But it might, just possibly, be over. I may have bought a house.

It all happened crazy fast. It got listed over the weekend. I went to look at it on Tuesday. By Wednesday, I was engaged in a bidding war. OK, this isn't San Francisco. It was more of a bidding "scuffle." But there were 3 bids on this place in the 5 days it was on the market. Essentially, the listing agent created a blind aution. Come with your best bid. And I won. Apparently not by that much. But I won.

This place isn't as historical as the last place, with which I was truly madly deeply in love with. But I like this one a lot and it's a whole lot more practical than someplace built before the civil war. And it's quite a bit cheaper.

It's 4 bedrooms, or 3 bedrooms and an office. Which is still 2 more bedrooms than I actually need. 3 full baths. Which is about 1.5 baths more than I acually need. 4+ car garage. Which is 3+ cars more than I actually need. 1 acre. Which is about 4 acres less than I actually need (OK, actually want). Backs up to a soybean farm. I had never been that up close and personal with a soybean plant before. It has a great front porch for my rocking chairs, and it's been really well updated and taken care of.

There's a lot of pics here. But the listing is already pulled off the MLS, and this is the only way I have to share them with people who care. You may or may not care, but here they are....

The Outside

The Deck

Living Room

Kitchen

The Dining Room (say goodbye very soon the sea of super shiny gray linoleum)

Master Bedroom (say goodbye soon to the prison gray paint)

Master Bathroom (you can't see the great whirlpool tub)

Downstairs Bedroom (soon to be the office)

Upstairs Bedroom

Another Upstairs Bedroom

Basement (TJ's future man hole. The ceiling is aluminum, it's way cool)

I Have No Witty Title

2006-05-30T21:48:00.000-04:00

Continuing what will be a theme of this summer (other than the fact that there is not one acceptable house to buy in all of Kalamazoo county).... I hate summer.... I hate heat.... If I was an animal, I'd be a polar bear. Or a penguin. And not one of those pseudo-penguins that live in Hawaii.... So it reached a toasty 86 degrees in here yesterday before TJ was kind enough to install my A/Cs. But they don't reach the bathroom. So, yes, that means another nice sweaty shower in my ventilation free bathroom. I actually think it's against code to not have at least a window that opens in a bathroom. I've brought this up to my slumlords. They don't seem to care. But anyways, nothing like sweating before you've even gotten dressed in the morning. But I have no choice. It's me and the steamroom for the summer. So I spend my time in the sauna (by calling it things like a steamroom or a sauna, I'm hoping to convince myself it's doing something good for me like opening my pores; not that I have problems with my pores; I have cute pores; but if I did have problem pores, this would certainly open them).... So I spend my time in the sauna this morning and mercifully finish up and head downstairs. As I descend the stairs, I can feel the blessedly cool air as I reach the lower level. I paused for a moment and just reveled in it. Damn the heat for rising. OK, moment over. I press on with morning preparations. Which basically entails grabbing a yogurt from the fridge. In doing so, I passed the thermostat. I glance at it, to see what the temperature has plummeted to overnight..... It was still 82 degrees downstairs. In the house. At 7am. In Michigan. In May. And I thought that 82 degrees felt luscious. Blessedly cool. How freaking hot was it upstairs? In whose world is 82 degrees inside acceptable? And I seriously have another whole summer of this? It's not even June! I really do think penguins have it good. Where's an iceberg or two when a girl needs one? And why can't there be any acceptable houses in the entire county?

The Spy Who Shagged Me

2006-05-29T11:49:00.000-04:00

So, while I am still all depressed about the loss of my beautiful, heat duct-less house, I must press on in the search for a place. I saw a doozy last week....... So my first sign of trouble should have been the marketing. The blurb online said that the yard had won awards. There were 16 pictures of the yard. The notes said it came with a bonsai potting shed (and who doesn't want one of those?) Hmmmm.... Is anything missing here? Yes, yes, in fact there is. Details about the inside. Very important. And probably not left out on accident.... So you walk in. Oh, wait, I left something out before you even walk in. The house is pink. Well, my realtor called it salmon. Whatever. It was pink.... OK, so you walk in and you realize oh dear, I've stepped back into 1960. Which is when this house was built. Which was also the last time it was decorated. I could go into a great many 1960s-esque details, but we'll sum it up in one. There was a room with avacado green shag carpeting. On the walls. Well, on the floor too. But on the walls. It was even on the light switch. It was groovy. And totally soundproof. Smashing.

In other news, it is oppressively hot. I am so not a summer person. It's a toasty 79 degrees inside right now. And it's not even noon. So we'll watch for that to climb as the day goes on. I went down to the basement to do some laundy and actually found myself enjoying it down there. Sure, it smells and it's dark and dank and more than a little creepy. But it's cool(er). God, I need to find myself a house with air conditioning. Or at least a bathroom with a window that opens. There is nothing worse than showering in an un-ventilated bathroom in the summer. Nothing. Well, probably some things. But I can't think of any at the moment.

It's TJ's birthday today. I got him a good present. But I can't tell you what it is since he hasn't gotten it yet. But it's good. I would make him a cake. But it's too hot. If you want a cake, be born in January.

Pay It Forward

2006-05-17T21:12:00.000-04:00

Does anyone else find it odd that I got a forward entitled "Sunday Morning Sex"........ from my grandfather?

Duct Tape Ain't Gonna Fix This One

2006-05-16T20:24:00.000-04:00

So 156 year old houses do not make it through inspections unscathed. Because they don't necessarily have ducts supplying heat to the second floor. Why would they? Who wants heat in the bedrooms or bath? In Michigan, during the winter, who needs that sort of extravagance?

The deal is off. My pretty house is not my pretty house anymore. The sellers didn't see the lack of ducts as actual problem (yes, I'm the one being ridiculous here). But since no heat is no problem, the sellers were thus unwilling to finance their installation. And since I'm not shelling out the nine grand to put something in that should be in there already, no deal.

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why you have a home inspection.

Sigh.

This means more househunting. More 1970-style kitchens. More paneling. More neighbors with school buses. More cookie cutter ranches. More paved backyards. More 25X45 above ground pools. More "windows." More dog-shit stained carpet. More houses that back up to 800-acre gravel pits.

Sigh.

There is a song of the day today. We're going a little bit country today. Little Big Town, Bring it On Home. I find it slightly ironic that I'm choosing a song with the word "home" in the title, since I am apparently unable to buy a home. But it's making me feel slightly less depressed. So we're going with it.

Separately, I could really go for a banana.

I'm a Big Kid Now!

2006-05-10T19:14:00.000-04:00

Look how pretty!
It's a renovated 1850 Greek Revival home on 2 acres... And it's mine, all mine! OK, it's mine if the inspection doesn't reveal that it's about to fall down and the bank decides to loan me lots of money and all that. But, after many days of bickering, the seller and I have found a (relatively) happy medium.... How grown-up am I?

And I was a hard ass, I'll have you know. I made an offer, they countered. I countered their counter. They countered my counter to their counter with their final offer. I didn't like their final offer, so I said forget it and said no deal and walked away..... Then, lo and behold, 5 hours later, they're like "Hey, wait, come back, don't go!" They thought they called my bluff. Ha, well, take that. I called your bluff better. And I (mostly) got my way. They came down more than I went up, so I figure I pretty much won.

Now, of course, is the dreaded inspection. A house that's 156 years old does not get through an inspection unscathed. I have a feeling we will be doing more bickering. You pay for it. No, you pay for it..... But I'm a hard ass and they know it. Don't mess with me.

It's so pretty. I'm in love. (Spoken like a true hard ass.)

Oh, and it's definitely not the same as the house next door. Which you would know is a problem for me if you read my ranting previous post on everything that is wrong with America. OK, not everything. I didn't get into George Bush. There wasn't time for that.

American Dreams

2006-05-03T17:31:00.000-04:00

I give up. I am buying a fucking house in a cookie cutter subdivision where my house looks just like your house, except for I've done something wild, like paint my door teal. I'll be in trouble at night though, because I won't be able to see my teal door in the dark and the teal door is my only way of telling which house is mine since they were all built by the same builder over a period of 2 weeks before he popped on over to make his next subdivision in the corn field across the street. My lot will be 80' x 120', and my beige vinyl sided ranch will take up most of it. I will have no trees, except for a few that aren't any taller than I am. I will have beige carpet and beige walls, and you will know exactly where the bathroom is when you come to visit because, of course, your bathroom is in the exact same spot. But even when you haven't come to visit, I will know exactly what you are up to, because my patio door looks across out our shallow treeless backyards, right into your matching patio door. I will know what you had for dinner last night, what you watch on TV, and that little Joey is getting in trouble for leaving his toys out again. Some evenings, I will wave to you when a happy coincidence has it that I'm out on my deck grilling just at the same moment you are out on your deck grilling. I will spend my weekends meticulously mowing, fertilizing and edging my lawn to keep it lush and green, and once a year I will shine my brass house numbers above the garage. I will be sure to get in friendly competition to be the best decorated house each holiday, weighing down my poor saplings with plastic easter eggs or Christmas lights (excuse me, "holiday lights"). I will be the neighbor you always come to for a cup of sugar and I will always call "Hey Bob" or "Hi Sally" when I see you. I will be chipper and cheerful and absolutely fucking miserable. But I'll be living the American dream.

I Spy Something Tacky

2006-04-18T20:46:00.000-04:00

What do you do if you don't have windows? ......Pretend! In the latest batch of houses, I got to see fake windows. (And this was the expensive batch of houses, mind you.) The house itself had only 1 bedroom (who makes a 1 bedroom house?) so they put a bunch (by a bunch, I mean 4) in the basement. But basements don't have windows. To solve this is easy, though. Simply put up some moulding in the shapes of a rectangle, then install some blinds and top it off with some curtains. And voila! .....Yeah, it's as tacky as it sounds..... Maybe TJ should suggest this to his office, considering he works underground in the dungeon. I can sew. I can make curtains!

Nun Too Soon

2006-04-14T14:42:00.000-04:00

I was heading to my parents' house, and there was tons and tons of traffic. (God, I love living in the sticks.) But this red minivan was tailgating me, trying to get around me, gesturing (not obscenely). But there was no where to go, there were a zillion cars in front of me. Finally, traffic eased up, and the minivan veered into the left lane and floored it around me. I looked over as they were passing. It was a minivan full of nuns. They all gave me the evil eye as they passed. I'm serious. Don't mess with nuns who are late for wherever they are supposed to be on Good Friday.

Oh, and is "dramatical" a word? As in "There is an Easter dramatical performance at the church on Sunday." It doesn't seem like a real word, but someone put it on a sign out front of the church.

On Girl Scouts and Real Estate Agents

2006-04-13T09:35:00.000-04:00

Did you know the Girl Scouts are charging $3.50 for a box of cookies these days? Three-fifty! Who do they think they are? You get like 16 measly cookies. It's outrageous. And the Keebler Elves are making a new cookie, Fudge Shoppe Mint Creme Filled Cookies. It's like a Thin Mint. But better. Think Thin Mint meets York Peppermint Pattie. It's to die for. So take that, Girl Scouts.

I'm going to try to start blogging again. Expect many entries on the house hunt. Oh, and in case anyone in the greater Kalamazoo area is looking for a house. "Team Clancy" of Prudential Preffered Realty sucks. Don't sell your house through them. Don't buy a house from them. I'd like to start my own little movement to put them out of business. And not only are they worthless idiots, they have a really ridiculous name.

Gas Mask

2006-03-27T13:59:00.000-05:00

This is disgusting, but I'm going to share it with you anyways. The guy who sets next to me in cube-land at the office has gas. Really bad. Really bad. And I know that everyone gets it, and sometimes you just can't help it. But this is all the time. Every hour of every day of every week. I literally just had to get up from my desk and leave to let the air clear for the fourth time today. It's revolting. I bought an air freshener last week, but it is no match for Mr Gas. Now it just smells like he farted among a spring breeze. Ugh. I mean, he must know he has an issue. Can't he go to the doctor? Or get some Bean-o? Or at the very least, sense it coming and go somewhere where private? Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Why me?

In other news, TJ lives here now! He moved in this weekend. He's all unpacked and decorated and everything. So I'm in full-on house hunting mode. I've seen some real winners. Yesterday, I went to some open houses. In one, they had paved the entire yard to allow for their 25'X45' circa 1980 above ground pool. In another, they had paneled the entire house with that cheap, dark brown paneling. Coupled with the florescent lights, yellow countertops and an avocado stove, it was a thoroughly depressing place. I've also seen a house where the next-door neighbors owned two rusting school buses, a house in which they had replaced all the grass in the backyard with gravel, and the ugliest house I'd ever seen. Think old barn meets early-century Switzerland meets a can of orange paint. That actually doesn't sound terrible (although it doesn't sound that great either). But this house is ugly. Trust me. So the search continues. There is one prospect. But I'm not telling you about it so as not to jinx it.

I'm off. I'll be back when something else interesting happens. Cheerio.

Egg-ceptionally Yummy

2006-03-12T15:03:00.000-05:00

Let me take a minute to tell you about my new friend, the fried egg sandwich. It's like everything good about breakfast, all in one. Eggs, good. Toast, good. Bacon, good. All in one convenient little package. I can't believe I lived 25 years without knowing about the fried egg sandwich. I do believe we will be good friends from here on out.

That's about it. Well, one more thing. Is it me, or does the one on the left kind of look like Jennifer Aniston in her early days on Friends? Except minus the Hitler moustache.

Buffalo Bill

2006-03-02T20:49:00.000-05:00

On the way to work this morning, I was following a horse trailer. We're just driving along and all of a sudden this giant ugly creature whips his head over the back gate. It was a buffalo. Freaked me out. Who drives around with a buffalo?

Then, at lunch (and this has nothing to do with buffalo), I was behind a girl in line whose thigh was about as big around as my arm. She was of, course, getting a big fat greasy burger and fries (I'm sure she threw it all up later though, but anyways), she was talking about this new class at her gym. It's called like Stiletto Strength or something. You wear heels and work out. Seriously.

Those are my two ironic, somewhat amusing moments for the week. Cheerio.

Glee

2006-02-27T19:49:00.000-05:00

TJ got a job. In Michigan. I have a permanent grin plastered to my face. :oD

Fashion Icons

2006-02-21T12:27:00.000-05:00

I thought of something blog about. It's that time of year where my nerd school asks for an update. Some of my fellow grads are doing things like developing a rechargeable biohybrid artificial pancreas system or working on a cryopreservation and in-vitro fertilization project (uh-huh, I bet they're really popular too). I blogged about this last year too, here. Here's what I'm thinking of telling them I've been up to this year.

Last July, J opened Furever Fashionable, a pet boutique in Beverly Hills which allows her to merge her two passions -- fashion design and her chihuahuas -- into one inspiring and fulfilling career. Furever Fashionable allows pet owners with discriminating taste to adorn their four-legged friends in French-inspired designer attire for any occasion. J's own chihuahuas are enjoying fame as spokesdogs and models for the boutique. J was engaged to be married to Clint, the lead meteorologist for the Weather Channel, but recently chose to call off her wedding so that she could devote more time to her career. She is now dating a Greek shipping heir.

Yup, it's been quite the year. This explains why I haven't been blogging. I've been too busy courting the business of Paris and Tinkerbell.

MIA

2006-02-20T21:12:00.000-05:00

I think I'm losing my sense of irony or sarcasm or something. Or maybe I'm just bored and tired. I'm sorry I've been a bad blogger lately. When something interesting happens, I'll blog about it.

Here's a SOTD to hold you over till then. Ryan Adams, Desire.

Cheerio.

Spring Has Not Sprung

2006-02-16T19:03:00.000-05:00

Looks like spring... Wet and windy.
Feels like spring... It's 58 degrees.
Smells like spring... Smells like rain and earth.
Sounds like spring... Rolls of thunder.
Tastes like spring... Well.... not so sure about this one.

At this time tomorrow, it's supposed to be 3 degrees.

It is not spring.

Time, A Play in One Act

2006-02-08T20:33:00.000-05:00

Setting: a hotel room in Maryland
We open in a dark hotel room in the wee hours of the morning. A girl is sleeping in the luscious down bed. The phone is ringing.

Girl: (fumbles for phone) Hello?
Voice on the other end: Good morning, this is your wakeup call.
Girl: (groggily) Mmpppffff. Ok, thanks.

The girl hangs up, glances at the clock, and, startled, turns on the light. She reaches for the phone.

Girl: Uh, yeah, hi. I just got my wakeup call. But it was supposed to be for 3:45. It's only 2:45.
Voice: No, ma'am. It's 3:45.
Girl: Oh. OK. I guess this clock has been wrong the whole time. Thanks.

The girl hangs up and reaches for her cell phone to deactivate her backup alarm. She glances up in alarm and grabs for her watch on the bedside table. She then searches for the remote and turns the television on. Sighing, she flips through some channels. A moment later, she once again reaches for the phone.

Girl: Um, hi again. It's only 2:45. My wakeup call was supposed to be for 3:45.
Voice: No, ma'am. It is 3:45.
Girl: (more emphatically) No. It's only 2:45. I requested a 3:45 call. That's not for another hour.
Voice: Yes, ma'am. And I called you at 3:45.
Girl: (getting frustrated) No. Seriously. It is 2:45. I just looked on the weather channel. And all the clocks in here can't be wrong. (through gritted teeth) It is two-forty-five. AM. Can I please have another wake up call in an hour?
Voice: You want another wakeup call?
Girl: Yes. In an hour.
Voice: OK. I will call you again at 4:45.
Girl: No. 3:45. (voice escalating) I want a wakeup call at 3:45!
Voice: Ma'am....
Girl: (loud with frustration, cuts her off) Fine! Call me again at 4:45. In an hour. 3:45, 4:45, whatever. Call me in an hour.

Girl hangs up. She resets the alarm on her cell phone, turns off the light, and tosses and turns to get comfortable again. We see the clock click through the minutes, the girl continues to toss and turn, restless and unable to sleep. After some time passes, the phone rings again. The girl glances at the clock, and she reaches for the phone.

Girl: Hello?
Voice on the other end: (it is a new voice, different from the previous) Good morning. This is the front desk. Your car is here.
Girl: (confused) What?
New voice: The car service to the airport is here.
Girl: (incredulous) What?! It's 3:30. The car isn't supposed to be here till 4:30.
New Voice: No, ma'am. The other girl said you requested the car for 3:30.
Girl: I don't think the other girl can tell time. What time is it?
New Voice: It's 3:30 ma'am.
Girl: Right. But I watched the guy last night write down in the little notebook that I requested the car for 4:30.
New Voice: But the other girl just said you had your times mixed up. You needed the car for 3:30.
Girl: What?!? The other girl is messed up. I need the car for 4:30. In an hour. I am not coming down there yet.
New Voice: Um, OK.
Girl: Thanks.

The girl hangs up the phone, and slowly puts her feet on the floor. It's 3:30 am. Time to take on the day.

THE END

Yeah. The girl, in case you hadn't guessed, is me. And the people at the Marriot in Towson, Maryland can't tell time. Don't stay there. Or at least don't let Brenda the night clerk give you your wakeup call.

And the day kept getting better from there. After arriving at the airport at a little after 5am for my 6am flight, I board the plane and immediately fall asleep. At 7:15, I wake up, figuring we'd be about to Cincinnati, where I was connecting. Um. No. We are still in Baltimore. We needed to be de-iced. Apparently that takes a really long time. And so I missed my connection. When we finally got to Cincy at 9am (nearly two hours late) the fine folks at Delta put me on a flight at 5:25 that evening. 8 and a half hours later. Um, no. I rented a car and drove the 4 hours back from Cincinnati. On 3 hours of sleep. For the first time I can see how people really can and do fall asleep at the wheel.

It has been a really really long day. My goal was to stay up till 8:30. I have acheived that. I'm going to bed. Good night.

My Paper Anniversary

2006-02-03T16:29:00.000-05:00

Today marks my one year anniversary of blogging. Can you believe it? You've been enjoying my wit and storytelling for one entire year. Here are some of my more favorite posts. Enjoy!

Haute Couture
15 Steps to a Less Hectic Life
That Thing You Do
Econ 101
Prom Queen
What About "You Suck?"
By the Numbers
I Called Shotgun!
Going Eastbound... On a Westbound Train

Oversized Rodents

2006-02-02T10:14:00.000-05:00

Happy Groundhog Day. Surprise, he saw his shadow. I swear he sees his shadow every year. And apparently he didn't know that January was freakishly warm and I don't know how we can have six more weeks of winter, since we haven't really had winter in the first place... I think he's seen his shadow for the past 10 years or something. Could that maybe be because giant flood lights are trained on him so the camera crews can get a good shot?

My House is Haunted, Part 2

2006-02-01T11:02:00.000-05:00

So I think I blogged a while back about my ghost. The toilet paper was unrolled out the bathroom and down the hall...? Sounding familiar? People kept telling me, it's a mouse, it's a mouse. Well, it wasn't a log-rolling mouse. It was a ghost. I have another sighting. Last night at like 3:30, my TV just turned itself on. It was off, and then it wasn't. I figured I was somehow just sleeping with the remote and I must have rolled on it. So I tore the bed apart looking for it. But it wasn't in bed with me. It was 8 feet away on the dresser. Um, spooky? What does this ghost want? Why is it doing this? Did I do something to anger it? Or was it just bored and wanted to watch some infomercials?

Things That Make You Go Hmmmm

2006-01-30T20:12:00.000-05:00

Things I wondered about today...

Why the escalator at work is only broken on Monday mornings
Who the bastard was who invented Saran Wrap and how come it sticks to itself but like nothing else
How to Citgo stations in the same town within a mile of each other can vary 30 cents per gallon
Why people park illegally in the handicap spaces at the gym
How I can eat a yogurt every morning and not win one of the thousands and thousands of prizes they are allegedly giving away

OK, that may be all. Or there might have been others, but this is all I can remember.

For old times sake, I thought I'd have a SOTD... It's Aqualung, Strange and Beautiful (I'll Put a Spell on You)

Vim & Vigor

2006-01-29T19:21:00.000-05:00

So I was in the restroom at a restaurant yesterday and there was this lady in there with who I assume was her daughter. This lady had to be pushing 85, and her daughter was in her 50s maybe. The daughter was helping her mom dry her hands, get into her coat, and just kind of keep her steady. At one point she said to her mom, "We should have brought your cane." And the lady answered with quite a bit of vim and vigor, "Canes are for old people." Hehe... Good for her.

Spinning in Circles

2006-01-24T21:07:00.000-05:00

You know what's kind of tough? Traffic circles in snowy/icy conditions.... Weeeeee! No wonder the Northeast gets all freaked out every time it snows. Every intersection over there is a traffic circle. Or a roundabout. Or whatever the local lingo is.

But anyways, clearly winter is back. And the weathermen have gone back to sucking. I want that job. They can't possibly be accurate more than like 25% of the time. And I know the weather is out of their control. But lots of things are out of my control at my job too. And if I was only accurate 25% of the time, I'd be fired. Take the past few days for example. Friday, we had winter storm watches and snow advisories and there was going to be 6-8 inches. We got maybe 3. But then today, it wasn't supposed to snow till noon and even then only a half inch, but there were white-out conditions during morning rush hour and we got about 2 inches of snow in like 90 minutes and they closed the freeway and a semi carrying a load of manure jack-knifed and dumped its load. I bet the grass in that median is nice and green come spring.

In other news, did you know that there are still people who don't have answering machines or voice mail? And I need to get a hold of one of these people and it's pissing me off.

And did you know that the Pistons are 33-5? I don't care about basketball, but this seems very good to me. There's too much scoring, and only the last 5 minutes matter. But I have come up with a plan to make basketball more interesting. Since only the last 5 minutes matter, I think the NBA should switch to a "best of" type thing. Teams would play like seven 5 minute games, and it would be best of 7 wins. Then it would be the last 5 minutes all the time. And all the time would matter. I think this would be much more exciting.

Let's see. What else? I've been a bad blogger lately...... I have to go there and back to Chicago on Thursday and that makes for long long days and it sucks...... I had to drive 40 miles to see Brokeback Mountain. Because that's just way way too liberal for most of SW Michigan. But it was worth it....... I made homemade chicken noodle soup this past weekend. But you can't just make a little. So I have like 3 gallons. I like it, but I'm not sure I like it 3 gallons worth........ I've been trying to drink more water because supposedly you should. But really, all I do now is pee like once an hour. So I'm not sure of the point........ The Felpaush doesn't carry Edy's Nestle Toll House Cookie Ice Cream and I really really really want it.......... Um, and that's about it. Pretty low key. Have a lovely evening.

USPS

2006-01-21T12:18:00.000-05:00

I don't know that I'd ever seen my mailman before.... And may I just say... he's hot.

Save Ferris

2006-01-18T20:43:00.000-05:00

So the fire across the street last week has had me thinking. Well, more accurately, it's given me bad dreams... I used to be deathly afraid my house would burn down. I used to dream it all the time. I didn't even like to look at the smoke detector. I thought that little red light was creepy. I remember closing my eyes to not see it. Tricky, considering the smoke detector was at the top of the stairs, and I had to go up stairs with my eyes closed to not see it. I'm not exactly paranoid anymore, I can look at the smoke detector. But even now, I can think of few things more horrifying than the idea of watching my house burn. Well, actually, this shithole can burn right to the ground (and it might, considering what I do to some of these electrical outlets). It's more the idea of watching the house I grew up in burn. Or even the apartment that I loved in Cincinnati burn.

Which got me thinking (here's the thinking part)... If my house was on fire, what would I save? Other than myself. And really, there's nothing. Nothing. If I force my imaginary self to save something, I'd want to save my computer. I guess. It has pictures on it. But there's really absolutely nothing else. I thought I'd be more attached to my stuff. I mean, I have a lot of stuff. Surely something other than the computer must have deep meaning and significance. How can I not want to save it? Is this weird? If your house was burning down, what would you save?

Hehehe

2006-01-13T15:57:00.000-05:00

The Dog Ate It

2006-01-12T08:49:00.000-05:00

She made me do it.
It's, uh, not mine.
I have a flat tire.

Classic excuses. But how about we try this one:
I can't be at work this morning because the house across the street is on fire and one of the fire trucks is parked in my driveway.

No. Really.

I'm late.

E.T. Phone Home

2006-01-06T19:14:00.000-05:00

I saw two unusual things today. Things you just don't see very often.

First, a flying saucer. On the way home from work, there was a bright light with a greenish halo hovering in the sky. I mean, maybe it was a weather balloon but I think the more likely explanation is a UFO.

And second, even more rare than aliens visiting our planet..... someone actually on a payphone. Think about it. When was the last time you even saw a payphone? Much less someone talking on one. The payphone talker. A dying breed.

So clearly, strange things are happening today. I'm waiting to see a unicorn walking down the street.

And just something completely unrelated.... Hillary Duff has an absolutely enormous head. She's like a real life bobble head. I think it's always been large, but now she weighs like 80 lbs so it looks absolutely gigantic. And what's with her teeth?

Old Fart in a Cart

2006-01-03T18:42:00.000-05:00

I was almost involved in an altercation today at Meijer. With someone in one of those little old lady motorized scooter baskets. Except the woman in it was neither that old nor all that little. Somehow, I got stuck behind her. And those scooters go like a half a mile an hour. So I kept trying to pass. But I swear this non-little non-old lady was intentionally not letting me pass. I'd try to scoot around to the left, and she'd veer left. I'd try to slide by on the right, and she'd swerve over to the right. I tried passing on the corner, but grocery shopper traffic was too bad. Then, I thought I outsmarted her and I skipped an aisle and looped back. I get back to the aisle I skipped and there she is, trying to like execute a Y turn in the middle of the aisle or something, and she's managed to get herself stuck perpendicular to the shelves. And she's just going back and forth by inches trying to complete the turnaround. It was like that scene in Austin Powers where he tries to turn the golf cart around. Painfully slow. She finally finishes, but now I'm behind her. Again. So I see my chance, I go to zip by and she stops me... "Miss? Miss? Can you reach that there can on the top shelf for me?" Yes, she's talking to me. So I reach for the can. "No, no, miss, that one there." I get that one there. "Oh, this one has a dent, can you get another?" So I get another. "Hmmm... you know, maybe I should get two cans." So I get another. And I'm stuck behind her now. And we proceed down the aisle at a snail's pace. When I hear, "Miss? Miss? Can you reach that there bag of flour for me?" Yes, she's talking to me. No. We are not doing this. I am not your personal reacher-person. I grabbed that bag of flour, dumped it near-violently in her scooter cart, saw my chance to escape, and ran down the aisle. And I don't hate old people. Really. But this lady wasn't old. And clearly she'd walked her fairly fat ass into the store since it was a Meijer scooter. So clearly, she can stand up. Get your own damn cans and flour.

Weekend Update

2006-01-02T11:42:00.000-05:00

An update on the happenings of the past couple weeks...

The saying "beer before liquor, never been sicker"... TJ might tell you there's some truth to that.

Someone stole 3 red bulbs from my Christmas lights. They're not broken. They're completely missing.

My heat bill for December is $281. I'm looking to move. Preferably somewhere that pays heat, has A/C and a dishwasher, and allows dogs. And that doesn't have mice and water that smells like eggs. We'll consider it an upgrade.

Apparently the postal service just doesn't deliver packages anymore. Either that or I have several rude friends who don't acknowledge gifts. I know the post office can be a little unreliable, but going 0 for 3 is unlikely. (Yes, this is a little passive agressive considering that these people do read this blog, but the alternative was actually being agressive so we'll take this route.)

I have the worst haircut ever. I wanted long, wispy pieces. What I got looks like I'm growing out bangs.

I've developed an obsession for Fowl Words. And no, that doesn't mean I'm cursing up a storm. That website is full of all sorts of games and an excellent time waster. I highly recommend it.

My grand total of pages read in 2005: 26,866. At this pace I will complete my million pages by age 63. A million is a very big number.

That's all I can think of for now. Hasta luego.

Gettin' Lucky in Kentucky

2005-12-31T20:15:00.000-05:00

I was the big winner today at the track. Up $1.80. That's one dollar and eighty cents. Drinks on me!

Happy New Years peoples. I, for one, couldn't give a crap about New Year's Eve. But apparently, some people do. So if you are one of them... Enjoy.

Awww

2005-12-27T20:27:00.000-05:00

I just watched March of the Penguins with my mom. She said "Awwww" no less than 342 times. There are two forms of awww. There is AWwwww, with the inflection on the front. This conotes something sad, such as a dying baby penguin. Then there is awwwWW, with the inflection on the back. This conotes something cute or happy, such as a non-dead baby penguin or penguins in love. 342 times. Really. I think I've had just about enough family togetherness. To Cincinnati tomorrow.

Failure

2005-12-25T11:31:00.000-05:00

I didn't make it. I couldn't do it. Santa Baby can't be beat. I heard it yesterday. 8pm. Damn it. It was a good run of it though.

But for some holiday fun that doesn't involve inane carols, family togetherness, or fruitcake, try this. I promise some laughs.

Happy Christmas everyone.

Tis the Season

2005-12-24T17:20:00.000-05:00

No where is the Christmas spirit more alive than exiting the parking lot at church. Honking, swearing, old people waving canes and flipping people off. My own brother nearly ran me over. Ahh, Christmas joy.

In Cold Blood

2005-12-23T09:36:00.000-05:00

I was almost killed yesterday. By a falling icicle. But thanks to my catlike reflexes, I have lived to blog another day. To my 6 faithful readers, lucky you.

Crystal Ball

2005-12-21T13:21:00.001-05:00

"Maybe you can live on moon in next century."

In 2100, when I live on the moon, I will be 120. Maybe the lack of gravity will be good for my creaky old joints.

Fortune cookies are so wise.

Aliens!

2005-12-19T19:34:00.000-05:00

I have a problem. My right contact is lodged in my brain and it won't come out. Well, I don't know if it's in my brain yet, but it's behind my eyeball. Where it's not supposed to be. It's stuck. I'm trying to just relax and hope it comes back to the front of my eyeball where it lives. But this doesn't seem to be working. I think it's trying to invade my brain. Do you think this is bad?

Perils of Living in a Small Town

2005-12-18T17:57:00.000-05:00

I just got a whole mess of Christmas carolers. What exactly is the etiquette for that? They were out there for like 15 minutes belting out the tunes, and I'm standing there with a fake grin plastered on my face with my bare feet absolutely freezing because it is 6 degrees outside and I didn't know this would take this damn long. Is there some way to politely shut them up so that you can go back to watching your 15th episode of Mythbusters for the day? I didn't just want to shut the door, but, really... not in the mood. And then they want stuff. Yeah, yeah, the holidays are a time for giving and all that. But my feet are freezing, my face hurts from pretending I enjoy your version of Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree and now you want stuff. Can't you just ask next time without all the singing? I was going to eat that box of mac and cheese that I just gave you. And the soup and the pasta and that can of mandarin oranges at some point. I love those little oranges. That's why I bought them. Give me some notice. Leave a nice little note like the Post Office or the Boy Scouts do, saying you'll be collecting in a few days. Don't force me to run into the kitchen, grabbing whatever non-perishable items I can as quickly as possible just to get you to leave and for God's sake to stop singing O Little Town of Bethlehem. That is a really long song. Really long. What if I was Jewish or celebrated Kwanza or something? I realize I sound Scroogey. But next time, please just do a canned good drive. Or sing to old people or someone who remotely enjoys that sort of thing..... But on the plus side, they didn't sing Santa Baby. So I am still Santa Baby free for the season....

Strrrrrrrrrike!

2005-12-16T18:02:00.000-05:00

I won a prize today. Most gutter balls in a single game of bowling. Nine. I also won low score (52), but they only let me have one prize. I started out strong with a strike.... and it was all downhill from there. But fun times.

Pomp & Circumstance

2005-12-15T10:28:00.000-05:00

I've been having a great deal of fun listening to music from high school these past couple days. Anything to avoid the radio, where there is always the possibility that Santa Baby sneaks on... But seriously, good times. There was some good music. Ahh, nostalgia. (Well, if less than 10 years ago can be considered nostalgia.) Class of 1998, remember these...?

The Verve Pipe -- The Freshman
Oasis -- Wonderwall
Smashing Pumpkins -- Tonight, Tonight
Goo Goo Dolls -- Name
Soul Asylum -- Runaway Train
Beck -- Where It's At
The Verve -- Bittersweet Symphony
Radiohead -- Paranoid Android
Shawn Mullins -- Rockabye
Collective Soul -- The World I Know
Tonic -- If You Could Only See
Candlebox -- Far Behind
Counting Crows -- Mr Jones
Blues Traveler -- (I forget the song, you know the one)

And the song that started all the reminiscing...
Ben Folds Five -- Brick

There are actually many many more. I have an iTunes playlist that's forever long. But I'm at work, and that's all I have time for.

I'm not quite sure why I'm remembering high school so fondly though. I hated high school. I don't understand the people who loved high school, and think back and sigh and wish they could relive those days. High school sucked (but the music was OK). College was so much better (but the music... not quite as good).

To anyone in the Class of 1998, if you think of a good one, let me know. I've got 11 more days of avoiding Santa Baby.

You Are a Bad, Bad Person

2005-12-11T19:23:00.000-05:00

A really disgusting thing happened to me this weekend. And now I'm going to share it with you. (It's gross, don't say I didn't warn you.) I was driving down to the 'nati, minding my own business. Then, all of a sudden, the passenger in the pickup truck passing me rolls down his window and hawks his giant wad of chewing tabacco out of his mouth..... and right smack splat onto the middle of my windshield. It was repulsive. And of course, it instantly froze since it was like 6 degrees out and then it smeared all around with my windshield wipers (which will never ever be the same) and I had to stop at a gas station to try to get it off and it's still not all off and it's really gross. And that's all I have to say about that.

Going Eastbound... On a Westbound Train

2005-12-04T20:47:00.000-05:00

Let me preface this by saying I love the train. There's something liberating about it. Plus, I sleep like a baby on the train. The motion, the sound, I'm out like a light. But what I don't necessarily love about the train is its clientele. Not the sharpest knives in the drawer. This is my experience with a couple of those knives. Butter knives.

I took the Amtrak to Chicago this weekend. The Amtrak is not necessarily known for its timeliness, but if I don't have to drive in the snow in Chicago traffic, I'm fine with it. So the train was about an hour late getting into the BC. And Chicago is one hour different in time from us. Those crazy time zones. It all started when a group of 5 women sitting in the train station tried to figure out our new arrival time in Chicago. Oh dear. I think they had us arriving before we left. The math was really a very poor reflection on the schools in this country. But it gets better.

I purposely go to a different car than them, because they are LOUD and my goal is to sleeeeeep on the train. I get situated and comfy.... and here they come. Great. Oh well, and hello to my friend the iPod. But before I can take refuge in the headphones, they're looking confused. If you've been on a train, you'll know some of the seats in each car face forward and some face backward. These women had clearly not been on a train before. And they were confused. Forward seats, backward seats! What is going on?! So one of them, the 45 year old woman decked out in ripped jeans with bleach splatters and very large flower patches, platform sneakers, a midriff baring looked like it was shorn off Elmo and a white faux fur coat, asks me.... "So, like, do these seats that face backwards, like, go back to Detroit?" I didn't know quite what to do with that. At first I thought she might have been kidding. But then it dawned on me, she was very very serious. She was quite worried that if she sat facing west and her friend sat facing east, they might end up in different cities. And that, that would be bad. Would totally ruin the weekend.

So hello to my friend the iPod. It wasn't doing a great job of tuning them out. They were very loud in plotting their shopping expeditions. I listened with half an ear to ensure I wasn't going to end up in the same stores... A couple hours in, they start getting antsy. Then the bright lights of Gary come into view. And they start standing up and packing up. I'm thinking to myself, "The train stops in Gary?" But the train doesn't stop in Gary. They don't think they're in Gary. The bright lights of Gary become..... the bright lights of Chicago. I watch them pack up and eagerly strain to look out the windows to catch a glimpse of the "sights." Then one of them comes out with, "Oooooh! Look! It's the Sears Tower!" I peer across to see what they're looking at. Maybe I've fallen asleep? Maybe we really are in Chicago? Um, no. It's not the Sears Tower. It's a grain elevator. I'm entirely serious.

And just for good measure, they were on my train back this morning too. They came into my car, loaded down with Target bags (maybe they didn't know that the fine folks at Target have brought their fine establishment to Michigan). This time, I knew better, I got up and left.

An Apple a Day

2005-12-02T13:03:00.000-05:00

I get about 3 million forwards a day from a person who will remain unnamed. Most of them are terrible. (And might I add that although I have never forwarded them on to 8 people in the next 8 minutes, I have yet to be struck down by lightning. Whether or not I go to hell remains to be seen.) But I thought this one was quite clever.
Or maybe it's not at all clever and I'm just easily amused.

Don't Hurry Down the Chimney Tonight

2005-11-28T19:45:00.000-05:00

There was a close call today. I nearly heard "Santa Baby." Which I consider to be the worst Christmas song ever. Maybe the worst song ever. So every year I try like hell to not hear it. I have yet to succeed. It comes up somewhere where I have no control -- the mall, a restaurant or something. Last year I made it till December 27th -- yes, that's right, the 27th. Who wants to play that crap after Christmas is beyond me. But this year, I almost didn't even make it till December. The radio station tried to sneak it in there. But no worries, I have a well trained ear and caught the opening two notes and was able to quickly and safely make the change.

Hot/Cold

2005-11-27T17:14:00.000-05:00

I could really go for some Chinese food for dinner tonight, Chinese is like the opposite of Thanksgiving food, of which I've had my fill. Left/Right. Quiet/Loud. Dirty/Clean. Thanksgiving/Chinese. See where I'm going with this?

Gobble Gobble

2005-11-24T09:09:00.000-05:00

In case you didn't know, Thanksgiving is my absolute favorite holiday. It has all of the good stuff of other holidays (except for maybe fireworks), and none of the crap. No excessive present buying, no freaky oversized bunny, no sitting around waiting for the damn ball to drop. And people don't start celebrating Thanksgiving like 3 months in advance. It's a great day, but 3 months of anything is overdone (Christmas, are you listening?). It's just about perfect. Except for maybe the lack of fireworks. We should really figure out how to work those in. But regardless, Thanksgiving is the best holiday. Happy Thanksgiving all.

Many Many Pieces

2005-11-23T21:45:00.000-05:00

You know what word is really under-used?
Smithereens.
We should all try to work that into conversation a bit more.
Smithereens.

Our Fearless Leader

2005-11-21T21:07:00.000-05:00

Apparently, he doesn't just make an ass out of himself in the US. He takes his talent for it abroad as well.

Sing-a-long

2005-11-21T19:31:00.000-05:00

I don't much care for the music that goes with these lyrics (so thankfully for you, I'm just typing and not singing to you), but the lyrics are fitting for today....

Friday night and the moon is high
I'm wide-awake just watchin' you sleep
And I promise you you're gonna have
More than just the things that you need
We ain't got much now, We're just startin' out
But I know somehow paradise is comin'

Someday baby, You and I are gonna be the ones
Good luck's gonna shine on
Someday baby you and I are gonna be the ones
So hold on
We're headed for a better life

Oh now there's a place for you and me
Where we can dream as big as the sky
I know it's hard to see it now
But baby someday we're gonna fly
This road we're on, you know it might be long
But my faith is strong
It's all that really matters

Someday baby, You and I are gonna be the ones
Good luck's gonna shine on
Someday baby you and I are gonna be the ones
So hold on
We're headed for a better life

Vanished

2005-11-19T10:39:00.000-05:00

I was listening to the radio in the shower this morning, belting out a few tunes. Then the DJ came on talking about the "Festival of Lights," which is tonight in the BC. It's like the tree lighting ceremony and whatnot. According to the DJ, tonight, at 6pm, "the entire city will be eliminated." Eliminated???? Remind me not to go to that. If it was being illuminated, maybe, but eliminated? Brilliant.

Ghetto Fabulous

2005-11-15T13:30:00.000-05:00

So I have further proof that I live in the sticks. On the way to work this morning, I heard gunshots. So either it's the opening day of gun season in the sticks, or I live in the ghetto.

Actually, maybe the ghetto. Yesterday, while I was at the mall getting a pedicure with my boss (during business hours, no less), some dude robbed a clerk at JC Penney at gunpoint. Why JC Penney, you ask? Probably because it's the nicest store in this mall. This is a mall that doesn't even have a Gap. I bet you didn't even know they made malls without a Gap, did you?

In other news, I want a garage. My car has never even seen the inside of a garage. I think it would enjoy that. All warm and cozy. It's like one of those poor dogs that never gets let inside. And I think I would enjoy that too. The scraping and defrosting and all that crap has begun. Ick. I like winter I just don't like it on my car first thing in the morning. I do have a request for car-maker people though. I think they should come up with a better way to defrost the front windshield. Better than blowing hot air on it. The rear windshield defrosts so much faster, with its little wires or whatever those are in the glass. Can't you make those clear and do the same thing in the front? I mean, this is the new millennium. Certainly those can be made clear. Or something. There has to be a better way.

And I'm not telling you why (yet) but I would like you all to please cross your fingers until I give further notice. Crossing of toes would also be appreciated. It might make typing or whatever difficult, but face it, you weren't that good of a typer anyways.

Okie dokie. That's all.

12 Step Program

2005-11-13T19:42:00.000-05:00

I am totally addicted to this. It's the reason I haven't blogged lately. Can't stop playing. It reminds me of this game called Arkinoid which we used to play back in the day on the Apple IIGS. Which was totally addicting. Then it was reincarnated as DX Ball in college. It was totally addicting then too. Skipped many a class to play. And now, it's back once again. Seriously, last night, I closed my eyes and saw the little white bouncing ball. This can't be a healthy obsession. But somehow, infinitely amusing to me.

Casper

2005-11-10T09:23:00.000-05:00

I have a ghost. I got up this morning, and the toilet paper had been unrolled like 15 feet, out of the bathroom and down the hallway. I didn't do it. And I don't have any pets or children. There is simply no other explanation. It must be a ghost. Well, there's one other explanation. It could actually be that I did it. But I didn't get up to pee last night. And even if I did, why would I unroll the TP and drag it down the hallway with me? And I have no history of sleepwalking. Thus, I have a ghost. The house is like 160 years old; it's not unreasonable that there would be a ghost. Hopefully it's friendly one, although it seems like this one might be sort of a prankster.

I Called Shotgun!

2005-11-07T12:59:00.000-05:00

Just wanted to clear up any doubt that I lived in the sticks. There was an ad on the radio for a car dealership today. No biggie. Lots of ads on the radio for car dealerships. But this one... This dealership, they're giving away a free shotgun to anyone who buys a car by November 11. Wooo hooo! Get me a new truck, get me a new gun, get me a deer. Life's good. Wooo hooo!

Thar She Blows!

2005-11-06T09:02:00.000-05:00

I guess another tornado hit another trailer park this morning. Near Kentuciana. (It's a place, really.) I know it's been said before, that tornados love trailer parks. But is there some reason why? It can't be sheer coincidence that every tornado hits a trailer park. There must be some reason... And speaking of windy things, it's crazy windy here this morning. According to our friends at weather.com, we can expect winds between 35-40mph, with gusts over 50mph. Do you know that if we lived in the Caribbean, those winds could qualify to be a named tropical storm? But given that we're nice midwesterners who don't feel the need for all the drama that tropical storms create, we call it windy. Too bad, tourism really could use the kick of thousands of reporters descending on the state. And it'd be kind of funny to see Al Roker blow away again.

Squeeeeeze

2005-11-02T21:18:00.000-05:00

Do you remember the Dave Matthews video for Everyday where everybody gets hugs? I like that video. It's nice.

Spooky

2005-10-31T18:21:00.000-05:00

Happy Halloween all.

(And happy birthday Stephanie.)

You Hear It First

2005-10-30T09:59:00.000-05:00

I have a question. How old is John Norris? You know, the MTV News guy. The MTV News guy who has been on since (I'm pretty sure) the 80s. I know he's their go-to guy on presidential elections. I wonder if he covered the Bush (the first one)-Dukakis 1988 election. Him and Kurt Loder. What about Kurt Loder? Does MTV still dust him off put him on air every now and then? For the "serious" stuff of course. Because he has to be even older than John Norris. But enough about him, back to John. I just saw John Norris and his clearly receding hairline (which he tries to disguise with the brush-forward technique) wearing jeans so low his boxers showed and an absolutely enormous orange sweatshirt. Is showing your boxers supposed to keep you in touch with the younger generation? Because they can still tell you're balding. They do have eyes.

Mickey Mouse

2005-10-27T08:04:00.000-04:00

When I got in this morning, there were at least 25 exterminator trucks in the parking garage. It's a public parking garage, so I hope they're just here for some sort of exterminator's conference. Or else we have a very large pest problem. And with all the food around here... Don't get me wrong, the building is very clean. But this would pretty much be a rodent's mecca, I would think. And if my house is a desirable location for them... I'm sure one or two have made it here in at some point. But I'm sure it's a conference. Right?

Old El Paso

2005-10-26T19:07:00.000-04:00

Evidence that there may in fact be a God:
The Taco
(Among other things)

It's the End of the World As We Know It

2005-10-25T15:06:00.000-04:00

Work has these quarterly meetings where they discuss results and such. And if you're on the phone, you're referred to as being "on the bridge" for some reason. At the most recent meeting, someone said they were going to hop off the bridge. And that really really made me want to shout, "Wait! Don't jump! Life's worth living! Don't do it!" Um, yeah. So that's probably one of those you-had-to-be-there things. They really just were going to hang up, but I find it quite funny. I crack myself up.

Brillante!

2005-10-23T21:59:00.000-04:00

I knew my high school Spanish would come in handy. I remember how to say like three things... My name is Julia. Where is the bathroom? The house is on fire. Plus some random words. Beer. Bitch. Pork rinds. Yes, they actually taught us the Spanish word for pork rinds. I didn't know how to conjugate a verb, but I knew how to say pork rinds. Cicharrones. (My spelling of it might suck though; I said I could say it, not spell it.) And look at that, it was just a useful word to know. I was watching Iron Chef America, and one of the judges who was a native Spanish speaker said something reminded him of cicharrones. But he didn't know how to translate it into English. Ah-ha! I am a Spanish speaking genius. This all does beg the question though... is eating something reminiscent of pork rinds a good thing?

SOTD: Ben Folds, Brick

3 Blind Mice

2005-10-20T20:44:00.000-04:00

I just saw a mouse. On the counter in the kitchen. Again. Considering I had them this time last year, apparently they move in for the winter. No way, Jose. Not this winter. It's me or you. One of us is moving out.

Lazy Bum

2005-10-19T20:08:00.000-04:00

I was quite looking forward tonight to watching America's Next Top Model while doing my ironing. Well, not looking forward since who looks forward to ironing, but I was more accepting of it with some good brain candy TV. But no. It's been superceded for preseason basketball. I'm supposed to watch preseason NBA while ironing? I think not. I think I just won't iron. Or maybe I'll watch Martha Stewart's Apprentice. I haven't really followed that train wreck. Might as well peek in and see what's up with that.

Didn't go to work today. Was lazy. Slept. Haven't showered. Read an entire book. Watched daytime television. Played with the puppy next door. Made real dinner with like meat and a veggie and rice and everything. It was nice. I should not go to work everyday.

I'm up to 22,302 pages thus far this year. I am on pace to finish my million pages at age 62. A million is a really big number.

Weekend Update

2005-10-16T18:03:00.000-04:00

I think Susan put it best when she said of Friday's wedding, "I feel like I'm at a play." And now that we've played wedding, we can begin to play house! Look at us playing grown ups!

Stephanie and I enjoyed a nice Sweetest Day date on Saturday. It was good to see her.

I bought a new printer to replace my piece of crap Canon that died after like a year. Or more like 13 months. Just long enough to be out of warranty.

I had to turn on my heat for the first time this year. Last year's record: $240.45. For one measly little person who never warms it up above 68. Oh, how I can't wait for this year's.

SOTD: Radiohead, Exit Music for a Film

To The Happy Couple

2005-10-14T09:34:00.000-04:00

I am attending my cousin's first wedding tonight. Yes, her first one. Because I'm pretty sure that at some point there will have to be a second one. I don't see this one lasting. They're like 19 years old, they've known each other about a year, she's a beauty school drop out, he's in the Navy and will probably end up on a boat for 2 years at some point. Yeah, there's a foundation for a good relationship. And maybe I'm being negative. And maybe they have as good a chance as anybody considering divorce rates. And really, I do believe in love. But I also believe in being able to support yourself before getting married. So you don't have to move back in with your parents while your husband is on a boat... And there better be alcohol at this wedding... Even though neither the bride nor groom can partake.

She-Devil

2005-10-13T14:53:00.000-04:00

My hygienist is evil. She's a mean mean mean woman. I don't like her very much. I forgot how mean she was from last time I was there. My gums are still throbbing from their assault 6 hours ago. I had to actually take drugs to alleviate the pain. I'm pretty sure I lost a lot of blood. I might need a transfusion. And she yelled at me. I only floss 3 times a week or so. And I only use one kind of mouthwash. Yeah, I didn't know there was more than one kind either. She's mean. I don't like her very much.

SOTD: There's no song. Only the sound of me whimpering in pain.

Chicken or Fish?

2005-10-10T12:28:00.000-04:00

Do you think Nick and Jessica are really broken up? Like really really? Us Weekly (a very reliable source) says it's so. But that would be sad. Although it would free up Nick to run for mayor of Cincinnati. I would vote for him. If I actually still lived in Cincinnati. He'd be much better than that weird fake-blond guy from 98 Degrees who claimed he was going to do it. But either way is a step up from Jerry Springer (who, for those not in the know, really is a former mayor of Cincinnati).

SOTD: Pick your favorite Jessica Simpson "classic"